Keeping affairs Secret

Keeping your current and on-going affairs private and secret is the most difficult secret to keep. Successfully keeping a person (or group) from learning about your affairs, requires a level of deceptive skill that few people have. Many people try to keep their affairs secret....and many people FAIL. Movies, newspapers, books, (and probably your own personal experience), are full of stories and of people who tried and failed to keep their affairs secret. Everything from love affairs and personal secrets, to business deals and government affairs seem to get discovered with regularity.

Successfully keeping your affairs secret has 4 inescapable components that cause significant problems.

If, after reading the information you are still determined to go ahead... then I strongly urge you to exercise prior planning and proper diligence, (and hope for some good luck).

RULE #1: You ALWAYS Leave Clues Behind ...accept it and plan for it.

Everything you do leaves a physical trail and you always leave some evidence that your affair occurred. Additionally, you will always leave behind some evidence that you participated in the affair. There is no such thing as the perfect crime...OR...a completely secret affair. The prisons are full of people who thought they could commit the perfect crime and failed. The divorce courts are full of people who thought they could keep an affair completely secret and failed. Accept the fact that no matter how careful you are...someone saw you and that someone (even if they don't understand what they know) has knowledge of your affair.
TIPS:
- Remove as many clues as possible....and if possible...make the remaining clues difficult to find.
- Think in terms of "types" of clues as well as specific clues. What types of clues will be left behind?
- Evaluate the types of clues (or what specific clues) that will remain and try to make those clues difficult to associate with you and/or your affair.

RULE #2: Limit the number of people involved.

The more people you have involved in the affair and/or involved in keeping your affair secret, the greater the chances that you will fail to keep it secret. The chances of discovery go up exponentially with the number of people directly involved. Involving lots of people in your affair...or worse yet...involving lots of people to support your deception is NOT a good idea. The ideal number of people to participate in your secret affair is one...(you). However, understanding that this will often not be possible or desirable, LIMIT the number of people you involve.

RULE #2A: Carefully consider the trustworthiness of those you involve.

This sounds like a "no-brainer", but you would be shocked at how many times people involve untrustworthy folks with helping to keep an affair secret. The general rule of thumb states that everyone involved in your affair should have as much (preferably even more) incentive to keep it secret than you do. If EVERYONE involved doesn't have as much to lose (or gain) by keeping this affair secret...then you are exposed.

RULE #3: You MUST have a good Cover Story.

The best way to keep an affair secret is to construct it in such a way that it appears legitimate...or that it appears that you are involved in a legitimate affair while you are in fact involved in your secret affair. You need a plausible, consistent, and believable story (delivered in a believable manner) that explains your actions...or covers up for them. You need plausible reasons for being where you are and doing what you're doing. Spend LOTS of time on your cover story.

RULE #4: Spend time building credibility and background for your cover story.

For example, the spouse who suddenly starts being gone from home a lot, or suddenly starts taking business trips when they didn't travel much before...attracts attention to their behavior (even if it is legitimate or innocent behavior). A sudden change in behavior ALWAYS prompts attention. If your sudden change in behavior also coincides with keeping your secret affair....guess what....the chances of your being found out increase. The best way to cover up clandestine affairs, is to somehow mask them in your usual range of affairs...or alter your usual range of affairs to the new style BEFORE you begin your secret affair.

RULE #5: Learn to Lie Effectively.

When keeping affairs secret, it should be an accepted conclusion that you may have to lie and deceive to maintain your secret. Keeping affairs secret involves far too many uncontrollable variables to completely take care of with the other methods of deception. You will definitely have to lie to maintain the secrecy of your affairs. Learn to lie well and effectively....or you are doomed to fail.

RULE #6: Prepare for the "Unexpected Event".

The Unexpected Event is a more frequent problem in trying to keep affairs secret than with any other type of secret. There are so many variables and so many opportunities for things to go wrong that the odds of something "out of the blue" happening are pretty good. Evaluate what might go wrong, but don't make yourself crazy trying to anticipate every little thing (because you can't). Definitely look at what parts of your secrecy plan are most vulnerable and/or most likely to be susceptible to problems.
One way to illustrate how to effectively prepare for unexpected events, is to take a look at airplane pilot training. Pilots must pass tests that demonstrate knowledge of emergency landing procedures, as well as handling emergencies in the air. Emergency training for pilots is NOT taught on specifics such as "what do you do when the oil pump fails...or what do you do when the spark plugs fail". The training is taught on a more general level of "what do you do when you lose power".
No one can anticipate every specific event (or thing) that can happen. You can however, anticipate what "TYPES" of things can happen, and decide how you might deal with them.

RULE #7: Stay Calm...Don't Panic....THINK.

Keeping affairs secret requires more "on your feet thinking", than any other secret. For example, the fact that someone you know accidentally saw you going to or coming from your secret affair, does not automatically mean they know about the affair itself. Don't panic and give yourself away by starting to explain, give alibis, and otherwise act guilty. Stay calm, act normal, find out what they know (or suspect) before you do anything. You may not need to say anything other than "hi". The fact that someone may think it odd to find you in a certain place, or out at a certain time, does not automatically mean they suspect you of anything.
Remember, people with no secrets don't feel the need to explain their every action....act like a person with no secret.

RULE #8: Make a list....check it twice.

One more time....keeping affairs secret involves many variables. Unless your affair is very simple and it only happens once, there will be lots of issues to deal with. There is power in the written list. Write your plan and sequence of events down on a list. Think about (and jot down) the clues you will leave behind and what (if anything) you can do about them. Think about what things could go wrong, write them down, and then list remedies and/or damage control plans. Pay attention to the details....
Little details matter. Ignore them and you fail...Remember the old fable about the missing horseshoe nail...
- that caused the horseshoe to fall off
- that caused the horse to stumble
- that caused the messenger to fall of the horse
- that caused the message to not get delivered
- that caused the general to do the wrong thing (because he didn't get the message)
- that caused the battle to be lost
- that cause the kingdom to fall.

P.S. DON'T FORGET TO DESTROY or SECURE THE LIST...

RULE #9: Every Type of affair has it's own Specific Strategic Problems

The rules on this page are strategic (rather than tactical) and therefore they are applicable to all affairs. However, to be complete, I must mention that different types of secret affairs also have their own unique strategic problems and issues. This topic is too large for one paragraph...in fact some types of affairs could warrant their own web page...so let me say that I will add specific topics as reader interest directs.

RULE #10: Manage the Motivation Levels of Those Looking for Your Secret

You should do everything in your power to NOT make someone suspicious and NOT do anything that might cause someone to look for your secret. If this sounds too simplistic, let me state once again that a huge number of people start secret affairs immediately after doing or saying things that would cause any rational person to become suspicious.
EXAMPLE: A person begins a clandestine affair AFTER having a big fight with their spouse...or...after a prolonged period of conflict. Under these conditions, any spouse is on heightened alert. Starting a clandestine affair under these circumstances is just asking to be discovered.

Last Thoughts

One Last Thought... If this process seems too underhanded, too sneaky, or just too much work...then I strongly suggest you reevaluate your reasons for keeping your affair secret and your commitment to keeping it secret.